How Did I End Up Here? - A Journey of Motherhood

I grew up hungry—hungry for achievement and starving for the next impressive thing to accomplish. I always strived for perfection and never accepted anything less. When you are young, that kind of thinking really pays off. People give you compliments, talk highly of you, and overall find you very impressive.

It’s possible I liked the attention, but I think a lot of it had to do with the fear of letting others down. Or maybe letting myself down, fearing that if I wasn’t impressive, I wouldn’t be worthy of love and admiration.

I don’t remember a time when perfection wasn’t my standard, so through every stage of my life, my efforts were directed toward the perfection I longed for but could never quite achieve, constantly climbing a spiral staircase. Long story short, I wore myself out trying to be the perfect daughter, sister, friend, student, girlfriend, and any other role I filled.

It was obvious I was tired, but in an effort to maintain the perfect image, I didn’t show the ware and tear on my heart, and I wore makeup to cover up the bags under my eyes. I kept chasing that next impressive thing that would make people question how I did it all. Admiration was my drug—I was always looking for the next hit and wondering who would be my next supplier.

Of course, when I graduated college and started my career, my need for achievement was amplified. I always said I wanted to have a career. It was a conversation I had with my husband before we got married. I wanted to climb the corporate ladder, make more money, and live a lavish lifestyle that my family could brag about. I feared being looked at as a housewife, and depending on a man to take care of me was a shadow that crept through my mind like a nightmare. No... that was not going to happen to me.

So how did I end up here?

Nearly two years into our marriage, my husband and I decided to have a baby. By the grace of God, we got pregnant very easily, and it is something I will always be grateful for. I did it all throughout my pregnancy. I worked up until my due date and, of course, maintained the image that I had it all together. I always intended on going back to work. I had spent so much time and effort getting to where I was that I didn’t foresee letting that go.

But then we had our baby.

The world stopped. My priorities shifted like the tectonic plates beneath the earth's crust, and life as I knew it shook. The only thing that mattered was this little baby I had grown and taking care of him with everything I had in me.

While this has remained at the top of my priority list, I did go back to work, thinking that once I got back into the swing of things, I would like it like I once did. But after a surge of postpartum depression, medications, therapy, endless conversations, and even more tears, I’ve decided that this life of balancing a corporate career for a company that doesn’t care about me as a person is just not for me.

Dandelion: A symbol of wishes and new beginnings, the dandelion represents perseverance, adaptability, and the journey of growth despite challenges.

I can’t be the mother I want to be, nor the wife I want to be, while staying stuck in a soul-sucking 9-to-5 job for bosses who only care about numbers and bottom lines.

So... hi, I’m Mama B, and I’m on a journey of leaving the corporate world behind to thrive in the chaos of motherhood.